Stop “Should-ing” All Over Yourself: Shame, Courage, and the Path to Acceptance

Breaking Free from Perfectionism and Finding Acceptance in Recovery

For most of my life, I lived with one foot in and one foot out—always second-guessing myself, afraid of making the wrong choice. Every decision carried a whisper of judgment: “You shouldn’t have done that. You should have done this!”

That voice wasn’t originally mine. It was my mother’s mantra.

When I told her I wanted to be an art major, I didn’t hear, “That’s wonderful—let’s figure out how to make it work.” A former bank employee, mother had already sent three of my four sisters through college as art majors and hadn’t seen an “adequate return” on her investment. Their modest incomes as art teachers kept them living at home into their late twenties—and for my mother, art majors meant underpaid. And starving artists were akin to “bums” in her social circle.

So instead, I heard with finality: “You should really pick something else, or I won’t pay for your college.”

Sitting at my parents’ small Formica kitchen table, a souvenir mug from one of their trips between my hands, I whispered, “Forestry,” and watched her expression—measuring whether it would buy approval. Camping was something my parents loved and being a forest ranger had been heavily suggested. Inside I felt sad, defeated. I loved art, and it seemed so unfair that because my sisters had majored in it and my mother didn’t see it as worthwhile, I had to stuff down my own dreams if I wanted her financial support for school. Following my passion felt like a luxury for other people, not for me.

My mother broke out one of her rare smiles and hurried from the kitchen to tell my father the great news.

That moment stuck. My voice was replaced by “shoulds.” What I wanted didn’t matter as much as what I thought I should want. And once you learn to see life through the lens of should and shouldn’t, shame is never far behind.

The Tyranny of “Should”

Psychologists call this “should statements”—a classic cognitive distortion. Aaron Beck, one of the founders of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), explained that “shoulds” impose rigid rules on ourselves and others, setting us up for guilt, resentment, and shame when reality doesn’t comply.

Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, put it even more bluntly: “Stop should-ing all over yourself.”

Why are shoulds so toxic?

• They fuel shame. Guilt says, “I did something bad.” Shame says, “I am bad.” As Brené Brown writes, “The difference between shame and guilt is the difference between ‘I am bad’ and ‘I did something bad.’ Shame is not helpful or productive.” Shoulds push us straight into shame by making every shortcoming about our identity, not our behavior.

• They breed perfectionism. Shoulds demand flawlessness. Brené Brown also points out: “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. It is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.”

• They block acceptance. Every should is a rejection of reality: “Things should be different than they are.” Acceptance, by contrast, is about meeting life where it is—not where we imagine it ought to be.

Recently, I realized I’ve been following a professional business roadmap that wasn’t written by me. I handed too much power over to others—people with good intentions, but advice meant for the general public. That “one size fits all” model left me stuck, irritable (ask Barry!), and disheartened.

Today, I’m reclaiming my own guidebook. I’ve decided to listen to my heart and soul and step fully into my divine purpose. For me, that means podcasts, speaking, and writing—the places where I feel most alive and aligned.

And wouldn’t you know it? On this very first day of freedom, a little God wink showed up in my inbox: a message from someone I’ve never met, inviting me to collaborate on podcasts and creative work. A confirmation from Above that I’m right where I need to be.

The Childhood Roots

Many of us learn “should” thinking in childhood. If parents, teachers, or authority figures regularly used shame to guide behavior, we internalized those messages. Instead of learning to problem-solve—“How can I make this class work?”—we learned judgment: “I shouldn’t have chosen that class at all.”

Over time, those external voices become internalized, and we don’t even notice they’re not ours. Psychologist Kristin Neff, known for her work on self-compassion, notes: “Many of us are harsher to ourselves than we would ever be to a friend. We repeat old patterns of criticism without questioning where they came from.”

Maybe you know that voice too—the one that pipes up any time you risk making a choice for yourself. Whose approval are you working so hard to earn? Would your path look different if no one handed you their list of shoulds and shouldn’ts?

Shoulds vs. Acceptance

Should and shouldn’t are the opposite of acceptance.

• Should says: “Life must match my rules.”

• Acceptance says: “Life is what it is right now. How do I move forward from here?”

  
  

Living in shoulds kept me spinning in regret: what I should’ve studied, where I should’ve lived, who I should or shouldn’t have married. Acceptance, on the other hand, allowed me to see that my life unfolded exactly as it did—and the only place I can live is here, now.

Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. As psychiatrist Carl Rogers put it: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Acceptance creates the foundation for growth.

From Expectations to Possibilities

There’s a saying in my recovery rooms: “Life doesn’t get better — you get better at life.”

Life in recovery is amazing, not because the outside world suddenly changed, but because I did. And the biggest change? Learning to accept life on life’s terms, not mine.

Take today as an example — it’s my birthday. In the past, special days used to set me up with a whole list of rigid expectations. Friends should remember and call. Barry shouldn’t have to work. The weather should be perfect, etc.

And the results? Every birthday, every holiday, I’d end up in petty arguments with Barry and sinking into the feeling that something—or someone—was wrong.

But recovery taught me another way. Now, I open my arms to possibility. Today, on a whim, Barry and I went hot air ballooning! That never would have happened if I’d been stuck in my old “shoulds.”

What beauty can enter when you stop clinging to rules about how life ought to be—and instead, simply let life be.

Acceptance is Freedom

The Role of Courage

Acceptance isn’t passive—it’s courageous.

• Courage to face reality. It’s easier to replay regrets than to say, “This is what happened. This is what is.” Acceptance requires bravery to face truth without flinching.

• Courage to want what you want. Asking, “What do I want?” instead of “What should I do?” is risky—it opens you to disapproval. Courage lets you live authentically anyway.

• Courage to forgive yourself. Letting go of “I shouldn’t have…” means practicing self-compassion. That takes guts, because shame whispers that we don’t deserve it.

• Courage to step into imperfection. Courage says: “I may stumble, but I will move forward.”

  
  

Psychologist Rollo May once said: “Courage is not the absence of despair; it is the capacity to move ahead in spite of despair.” That’s the essence of recovery—doing the next right thing even while afraid.

How to Break the Should-Shame Cycle

Here are practices that have helped me, and that research supports:

• Notice your shoulds. Write down every time you hear yourself say “should” or “shouldn’t.” Awareness is the first step.

• Reframe with gentler language. Replace “should” with “could,” “want,” or “prefer.”

  • Instead of: “I should exercise more.”

  • Try: “I want to move my body because I feel better when I do.”

• Practice self-compassion. Kristin Neff’s research shows that self-compassion reduces shame and increases resilience. Try telling yourself what you’d say to a friend in the same situation.

• Talk about it. Shame thrives in secrecy. Share your struggles with a trusted friend or support group. As Brené Brown says: “Shame cannot survive empathy.”

• Separate self from behavior. Remember: You are not your mistakes. Guilt can be constructive; shame is corrosive.

Today, my husband and I are practicing taking “should” and “shouldn’t” out of our vocabulary. It’s hard! They sneak in, and I practically have to bite my tongue off mid “I shoo…” As soon as I think or say one, my mood changes—the day seems less promising, my stomach tightens, my heart skips. Those words are poison—they drain hope and possibility. Still, we keep trying, trading judgment for acceptance whenever we catch ourselves.

From Half-Life to Whole

Looking back, I see how much time I lost to shame and second-guessing. But recovery gave me tools: awareness, self-compassion, courage, and—most of all—acceptance.

And here’s the kicker—despite all the shoulds, I found my way back. My first real job? In the art department at Woman’s Day magazine. From there, I built an entire career as a graphic designer.

Even though I once obeyed every “I should” and “I shouldn’t,” majoring in something chosen by others, my true purpose—my art—still found me. The very part of me that was told “you shouldn’t” is the part that quietly, stubbornly, beautifully carried me forward.

And my next chapter? Without the constraints of other people’s kindly but wrong-for-me opinions, I’m free at last. The horizon is wide open—and I’m ready to soar.