Sobriety is More than Not Drinking

What happens after you quit?

The Lie of “Just Stop”

On May 25, 2020—five years ago today—I began my recovery journey.

At the time, I thought that was it.

The end of my drinking.

The end of the chaos.

I believed I was finally free.

No more 24/7 drinking.

No more blackouts.

No more walking through life in a blurry haze.

When I had my last drink May 24, 2020, I truly believed that by the next morning, things would be better. That life would start to feel good again.

For years, I’d told myself, “If I could just stop...” while crawling under the bed, blindly reaching for one of my hidden vodka handles. My entire existence was organized around alcohol—how much I had in the house, where it was stashed, whether it would be enough for the day. I memorized liquor store hours, mapped out their locations, and constantly recalculated depending on whether my husband was working in the city or home. Every thought I had—every plan I made—was shaped by drinking, or the anticipation of drinking.

So of course I believed that simply quitting would be the answer.If I could just stop, everything else would fall into place.

But the truth is, when I finally surrendered—sitting in rehab, watching Barry cry across from me—I didn’t feel free.The game was over, and it felt like I’d lost everything.

What I didn’t realize then—what I couldn’t yet see—was that the end of that road wasn’t the end of me. It was a turn. A beginning. I thought the journey was about quitting alcohol, but really… quitting alcohol is what allowed me to begin the real work. The real healing. The return to myself.

So many of us grow up believing that if we can just stop drinking, everything will get better. The message is simple: put the bottle down and life will work itself out.

But anyone who’s been through it knows the truth:

Recovery doesn’t begin when you stop drinking—it begins the day after.

Sobriety is the starting line, not the finish line.

Quitting is what makes recovery possible—but it’s not what makes it real.

The Emptiness That Follows the Exit

There’s a running joke we tell the newly sober women who walk through the doors of our 12-step meetings:

“The good news is, you get your emotions back.The bad news is… you get your emotions back.”

The early days of sobriety can feel raw and confusing. You expect relief—but what you get is a flood. Memories. Emotions. Silence reenters your life, and the absence of chaos can feel like a void.

My recovery began when I realized it wasn’t the pain I was numbing. It was me.Suddenly, you’re face to face with everything you tried not to feel.

“The bad news is…”

And without the drink, there’s nowhere to hide.

For me, that was terrifying.Giving up my hiding place was the main reason I kept drinking for so long.

That’s why real recovery isn’t just physical.It’s not just putting down a bottle, a pill, a piece of cake, or cutting up a credit card.

Real recovery is emotional, psychological, spiritual.

It asks you to rebuild everything from the inside out.

Cat Stevens was right: “The answer lies within.”

Beyond Abstinence: Healing the Root

I thought my problem was drinking.

I thought going to rehab would “fix me.”

I believed that if I just stopped drinking—if I could get the alcohol out of my 90-proof bloodstream—my misery would end.

But not drinking is like turning off a fire alarm that’s been screaming a warning.If you don’t find the fire, it’s only a matter of time before the alarm goes off again.

Alcohol wasn’t the problem. It was my solution to the problem.

When I checked into detox—because I knew I was in serious trouble and didn’t want to die—I expected a few days of medical supervision and then home with a smile.

Instead, they told me I needed to go to rehab for 30 to 90 days.(Five months.)

I thought, Okay, fine. A 30-day mini-vacation. That could be nice.

I pictured a spa—me by a pool, reading a book, getting a tan, sipping lemonade while some obscure staff member brought me snacks. I’d return home rested, clear-eyed, healed.

Instead, my rehab counselor and the house manager at this rundown, crowded house—no pool, no chef, and definitely no spa—looked me straight in the eye and said:

“You have work to do.”

House rules.

Chores.

Group counseling.

Twelve-step meetings.

Fourth step writing.

My spa fantasy vanished quickly. But over the weeks and months that followed, I began to understand that real recovery had nothing to do with relaxation. It meant I had to begin answering some painful but necessary questions:

– Why was I drinking?

– What was I avoiding?

– What was I trying to fix?

– What stories about myself was I still believing that kept me small, scared, or stuck?

And once I really got it—once I faced those questions honestly—it changed everything.

Solving the real problem meant facing the pain, not numbing it.

“Recovery is not about willpower. It’s about healing what caused the pain in the first place.”— Dr. Arnold M. Washton

Alcohol hadn’t been the problem after all.

It had been my solution.

And that problem... wasn’t the bottle. It was the woman behind it.

That’s where the work begins.

That’s where transformation lives.

Recovery doesn’t mean returning to who we were.It doesn’t mean driving back to our old lives and white-knuckling through the day.

Recovery is about uncovering the woman we were always meant to be.

The Emotional, Spiritual, and Identity Work

I call myself a "grateful alcoholic," and that confuses a lot of people—in and out of the rooms.

No, I’m not grateful I have alcoholism.

I’m grateful that it forced me—back against the wall—to confront the deeper questions I’d avoided all my life:

– Who am I without this coping tool? (Who am I at all?)

– What do I do with all these feelings? (What am I feeling?)

– Can I sit with discomfort and still stay present? (Can I handle life?)

As the old-timers in my group told me: “You have to feel it to heal it.”

I began to learn how to feel again. I began to understand my issues with trust, fear, perfectionism, dishonesty. And I started doing the inner work—learning how to trust others, how to trust myself, how to build boundaries, how to say no without guilt and yes without fear.

As I began to remove the clutter from my brain and the chaos from my soul, I started to hear my own voice. Beneath the conditioning, the trauma, the noise—I found her.

The woman I had been drinking to escape.

And for THAT, I am a grateful alcoholic.

Sobriety Is a Gateway, Not a Destination

In the past five years, I’ve seen people come and go in the rooms.

Some relapsed and came back.

Others never made it back.

I’ve been to their funerals.

They didn’t die because they weren’t strong.

They died because they didn’t know how to do the work—or were too afraid to try.

Some died from alcohol poisoning.

Some from liver failure.

Some with needles still in their arms.

There’s a reason so many people relapse after 30, 60, 90 days.

If nothing changes inside you, nothing truly changes around you.

Sobriety doesn’t mean returning to your old life and white-knuckling your way through the day.

It means creating a new way of living—one built on truth, connection, and healing.

You don't just need sobriety. You need:

• Structure.                                                                                                               

• Support 

• Self-inquiry.

• Tools.

• A spiritual foundation.

• Community.

• Emotional safety.

• Daily practices.

These are the tools I needed long before I ever reached for a drink.

Before I knew the word ‘addiction.’

Before I lost myself.

I wish I’d known them before I tried to fix my pain with drinking.

The Real Goal

Five years ago today, my only thought was:

“I don’t want to die.”

Five years later, my thought every day is:

“Thank you, God, for my life.”

If you’re wondering what happens after you stop drinking…This is it.

Don’t stop at “not drinking.”Don’t settle for white-knuckled abstinence.

Choose to heal.

Choose to grow.

Choose to recover fully—body, mind, and soul.

Because the real miracle isn’t just that you stopped drinking.

The miracle is that you came back to life.